One part doubt, equal part faith
Adoration June 27, 2014
I came here tonight somewhat like a person dragging a moaning child to the dentist. My spirit rebels. Is it my spirit or my mind, my logos or my pathos? Perhaps it is logos. I doubt. I confess this sin: that I doubt. It is a deeply rooted thing in me. At times it feels like a living being inside of me, one that has its own requests and demands and that rebels against my will, which has been strong enough to bring me here.
So I bring my doubt here before the blessed sacrament and ask Jesus to either take it from me or confirm it is right. But that is an either-or proposition that He is not interested in taking. Maybe He’s saying that I need to keep both my faith and my doubt, if for no other reason than to have something to kick against. Maybe doubt is like a barbell that helps develop spiritual muscles. Or maybe we just have to have both. Faith without doubt is logically impossible. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be called faith. I think the syllogism would look something like this:
I have faith. Faith means to trust that something is true but not 100% certainty. Therefore, I do not have 100% certainty.
The original definition of wit was to hold two opposing viewpoints in mind and to entertain them both equally. I come before the blessed sacrament with both a great faith and an equal doubt. I hold them both up to God and wait for Him to tell me what to do with them. I doubt that doubt will win.